I’ve been planning ahead and setting up many things to look forward to. I guess this is the only reason to keep me moving, well that and wellbutrin, adderall, and zyrtec. Nevertheless, I feel much better than I was in the beginning of the school year. I still look back at my gloomy days and wonder how I got so low. I’m still recovering but I feel like I’m finally heading down the right track.
She’d probably be very, very confused. I never thought I would be friends with the people I’m friends with today. I never thought I’d act the way I do or think the way I think. It’s just so weird thinking about all these things I promised myself years ago. If I could go back in time I’d tell the 10 year old me to brace herself. Life hits you hard and in the worst possible timing too.
It seems like every time I do, I end up being very disappointed. It’s just so hard not to play out these little fantasies in my head. I’m forever a dreamer, always too wimpy to act on my wishes
From the day you’re born, syringes are inserted into your body pumping in fluids that save can save your life. So don’t go telling me that you’ve never done drugs when obviously, at one point in your life that you could barely remember, they were forced into your body.
And bitch please, all I asked is if you’ve done recreational drugs like weed but no, you go on ranting about how you’re so clean and sober. And not only that! You continue to lecture me on the effects of drugs AND boast about how you’ve never even taken a single pop of advil or tylenol or any over the counter drug. Just because you’re older than men does not mean that your more knowledgeable. In fact, you don’t even act your age. You’re what, 18? Yet you still act like a 9 year old.
You hypocrite, school won’t let you come back unless you get a tetanus shot. Aw shucks, I guess you’re not gonna graduate next year. Have fun getting a GED! :)
I feel like I’m really suffering now. I’m questioning everything and anything at this point. Why did I even bother to do this to myself? My organs are fucked up and my head is constantly spinning. I thought losing a lot of weight would make me happy yet I can even see a difference when I look in the mirror. Sometimes I get so dizzy that I actually collapse on the ground and have to rest there for a long time.
Friends and family keep on telling me to get better and start doing the things the healthy way. Hah, funny how everyone’s a hypocrite. Give me a reason to start taking care of myself when you stop skipping your meals and pinching the fat on your stomach.
Originality died a long time ago. The pillars that held you up are now crumbling beneath your feet.
Everything is constantly changing. Nothing is permanent.
You can change your wardrobe, your name, even your gender. You can move to the other side of the world and become someone else. Your ideas and beliefs change. Even your relationships with other people change. Change, change, change.
It’s too overwhelming for me. Sometimes I can’t even hear myself think. The world is spinning around and I can’t keep up.
There’s no end to hypocrisy. So instead of continuing to make false statements that contradict what you said prior, think before you speak. Either that or I’ll punch you in the face. Your pick.
Whichever one you pick will always end in pain. Giving up is accepting it early on. Staying hopeful is being ignorant to it’s possibility.
I don’t know how I’m going to approach the situation. I have no edge no chance of success. Giving up is my only choice but all I ever think and see is what it would be like if things were different. I hate it with a pure passion but I can’t keep pretending any longer. And that’s all I really do now, dream and dream. Thinking about how happy I would be puts a cheesy grin on my face. But as soon as reality comes crashing through my walls, I feel blank. I want to cry. I want to scream and break everything that I tried so hard to work for.
I’m just fighting a losing battle against me and myself. But for now, all I can do is vent.
It’s 3 in the morning. I totally collapsed just several hours before. My vision was disoriented and blurry. I couldn’t even stand up straight. I had to lie on the ground because I couldn’t muster up any energy to pick me up off from the ground. I laid there and my head felt like it was about to explode. I tried to stand up again but I fell back down. Unfortunately, this time I was out cold. I just passed out on the ground when just 30 minutes before I was perfectly fine.
I feel like my body is tearing itself apart. I consume less then 1000 calories, scratch that, probably less then 700 calories a day. I’ll seem perfectly normal but every day I’ll get a headache at some point. I can’t stand up too quickly because I get disoriented. Sometimes right after I blink my vision blurs. This is the downside of quick weight loss. I feel like my body is in constant pain. I’ve gotten use to hunger but passing out all the time isn’t my cup of tea.
A huge grin runs across my face every time I hear that specific name or piece. And in that instant, I feel the way I use to be. I flashback to times where I couldn’t have been any happier. But once the memories start to fade and the composition ends in a pianissimo arpeggio, I drop back down into reality. The grin disappears and I put on my poker face, masking my nostalgia.
This is my super secret personal blog.
Most written posts will be of my life and what I've been through.
This is to help me. Writing one more post is one less worry I have to give.
Shiba Inu in the snow, gotta love that little Shiba smirk
Zelda asleep in the best place possible, her food bowl
Weekend fun with Buddy and Boo. Don’t their smiles just melt your heart
